Dennis tried to act a fool
Well, I just got back from outer space ...I mean Hattiesburg,MS. I'd planned to spend the weekend just chillin at the house, watching some movies, playing on the net, doing some laundry, watch The Goonies for the 424th time this month. You know just being lazy as hell. Then comes that BITCH Dennis( Hurricane that is) threatening to beat the shit out some part of the gulf coast.
Now I've lived in Mississippi for like five years now, but fortunately I've never been in town during one of these things. So, after promptly freaking out watching the weather channel all day Saturday and trying to decide whether or not I should try to get the hell out of dodge the decision was taken out of my hands....Harrison County ordered mandatory evacuations for my area. Now I'm like *(^^%@#%^% I got to drive but to where. Mom lives in a St. Louis, that's like a ten hour drive...Nope. The EX lives in Memphis( like a six hour drive) ..... That would have just been stupid.
I decide to drive up and stay with BooBoo, even though he has to work all weekend. Thing worked out though. The hurricane barely touched the MS coast (sorry Florida) I got to spend some time with the boyfriend. Got a free day off work.Hell, I even got my laundry done.
The only negative part of my weekend was spending like three hours arguing back and forth with my mother about HER phone bill. Yeah, HER phone bill. She apparently thought that I should pay it for her. Now see before yall start thinking I'm just an asshole son, let me clarify a couple of things. The phone bill I'm talking about is her cell phone bill...A cell phone she can't afford...A cell phone I told her not to get. My mother is chronically unemployed and very often I've had to send her cash to pay her bills...Buy food.etc. Now again before yall start thinking I'm a asshole let me give you some background on our relationship.
Picture it Sicily, 1924. Just playin.When I was younger, before I turned 12. I was a mommas boy fa sho. The sky could fall, the world could flood, Jesus could come back with his seven horseman. I would have been alright as long as I had my momma. You couldn't tell me I didn't have the prettiest, smartest and just greatest mom ever. Who would think that today I would have such a strong feeling of Hate...Well, maybe not hate anymore, but definitely strong dislike(sometimes) for this woman. My mother's a recovering alcoholic and drug user(crack head). I sometimes think that I'm over the physical, mental and emotional abuse I endured through my teenage years. Then I'll think about the time she choked me until I almost passed out or the time she left me alone for three days with my sick two year old little brother who as it turned out developed pneumonia or ALL the times she stole money from me or...Well you get the picture. Anywho, she's been clean for like four years now. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of her for that. It's just that after she stopped using drugs she of course needed some financial help. Due to the fact that my grandmother had passed and that she'd pissed off the rest of the family it fell on me to help her out. Keep in mind that I hated this woman at this point. The only reason I was still talking to her was because she was taking care of my younger brother and sister. Still I payed her bills before I paid my own, I let my account go into the negative trying to help her out, I've taken out loans trying trying to help her get ahead. But she still does not have a job. That coupled with the fact that there is only so much I can do.
Sometimes she likes to kick an attitude when i tell her I can't help her out when she wants. Yeah, we get into it then. I mean how dare this woman who made my life hell, who I'm breaking my back trying to help out....WTF.
The point is I'm just tired of trying to help someone who isn't trying to help herself. I'm tired of feeling like I'm parenting my grown ass mother. I'm tired of her trying to make me feel guilty when she doesn't get what she wants from me. I'm tired of being tired of her.
posted by lj at 11:19 PM
4 Comments:
El Jay bless your heart! I swear I know what you been through with you mother. Trust me I do. But I still think that you are blessed. My mother has been a substance abuser for the past 21 years and still going strong. I try my best to help but I will only do so much. I would damn near give her the world if she was sober and attempted to help herself. So far your mother has gone through the hardest part. Now she needs to realize a way to be self sufficient and help herself. Not sure if you mother is on public assistance but if she is contact her worker and see if there any work training programs she can get involved in. There has to be something, even if it isn’t offered by the state itself. If she lives in or near a large urban population there are non-profit organizations that can help. I say DON’T pay for her cell phone bill. Fuck that! I will help her with the essentials like gas, electric, and the like but I will assist her luxuries. That my mother knows. No help with cell phone, cable, cigarettes, or stuff like that. I don’t play that.
There a gentlemen that I mentor. He recently got an internship in Manhattan so very often we take the train together in the morning. I asked him about his family and informed me that is mother is recovering from a drug addiction. I knew she was using but didn’t know her latest status. I continued to tell him how much he was blessed and that I am still struggling with my mother’s addiction. He asked me if I ever told my mother how I felt about her habit and how it is affecting me and my brothers. I told him no. I figure she knows how I feel that I don’t like it. He schooled me that she will never know truly unless I tell her myself. I need to make her fully aware of my feelings from my prospective, but in doing it I have to be genuine, honest, and fair with her. That was deep that young buck schooled me. I was humbled by our discussion and will take his advice. I just say praise your mother for all the good things she does and rationally discuss all that bad things and how they affect you personally. You may get a lot out of it, you may not, but it seems to be a step in the right direction for me and I am going for it.
Tell me what you think? - Peace
6:34 PM
Hmm - I don't even know why I'm commenting on this subject - lol. IT's like the pot calling the kettle black, so I'll keep it simple. I'm glad you are at the point where you can at least verabalize how you feel...that's it. I'm done. If I go any further some one would probably tell me to take my own advice...
Till We Meet Again,
The ChurchBoy
7:37 PM
4Real...I hear what you're saying. I've told my mother how her drug use has affected me. I definately did not do it in a constructive way though. More like screamed it at her.But she knows how I feel. I try to tell myself that that was my mom then and this is my mom now. It's just hard to let go of bad feeling.
2:44 PM
Church boy ...at least I can tell myself my mom was on drugs..that's why she acted the way that she did. Your mom was ...well, your mom...for just no reason at all.
2:45 PM
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